*Blessings*

Life. So full of change, of growing, struggling, of reaching toward God.

The last months have dredged up so much of my past. The parts that still hurt the most. The parts that some days I about cannot bear the pain. But those months have also brought so much *healing*. God brought the healing. He showed me His LOVE for me as HIS DAUGHTER! Its been a beautiful (though intensely painful) process.

Because of circumstances, today I knew that no matter what, I needed time alone. Away from relating with so many people, away from trying to keep that strong front, time to spend with GOD. Those circumstances were beyond my control but God had it all planned before I ever came out here. There were times I thought I would just break apart and float away piece by piece or have a serious meltdown in a very bad time and place. See, last night was my last night on night-duty - I worked over 2 weeks with no break/day off. Talk about intense! And when one is on night-duty (at least I'm like this), one sleeps, goes to the evening activity, work - repeat... Day after day after day. And to have very little extra time is very wearing, esp if one does not take time to bask in God's presence every day - like me.
For a while I had been feeling very out of touch with God etc and I was [to be honest] rather distressed because I went through a season right before this where I felt His presence like crazy - like more than I have ever in my life. So I hit this rough patch at work feeling starved for God. Bottom line - not a good thing AT ALL!!!!

So today - my first day off for a while. I went shopping *by myself*. An amazing time indeed. On the way back stopped at a coffee shop and journalled for a bit and God led me to write down my blessings... Today was my day of Thanksgiving. Praising God that He got me through, praising Him for all the *tidbits* of happiness he brought my way.

Thanking Him for...
*A lady thanking me for a drink of water after an especially rough night of her not being able to sleep wanting to go in and out of bed constantly - every 5 minutes or so either pulling her alarm or using her call light

*That I don't have enough money to buy a $1,400 purse... True story - today I went into Coach (at the mall)  just for the dumb of it, actually to see how expensive their purses are :P so I went through the story flipping all the price tags and trying not to allow my mouth to drop open (mennonite girl meets Coach and its extravagance) So that was the most expensive one I could find...

*God for providing for me financially... I had this bill that I wasn't sure went to pay off cuz I just didn't feel like I could and low and behold the other day I found an envelope with some cash and a check large enough to cover the bill and then some :D God had this one planned out before I came too *so amazing*

*Being done with night-duty and getting my life back

*The chance to go home (Tomorrow can't come soon enough)!!!

*That even in those moments of loneliness, that God is still there - even when I can't feel or hear Him

*A day off

*Alone time

*The intense struggles that God has brought me through - I'm stronger because of it and He has done so much I can't even get started!

*Situations (recently) where the words and actions coming from me weren't my own because God's grace came through in my weakness - literally! When all I wanted to do was get extremely frustrated and say all kinds of nasty things in reaction to the pain/frustration - God gave me the grace to let Him work through me. (don't think I've ever had this happen to me where I was in the middle of the situation and knowing that what was coming from my mouth was not of me - but God) Praise Him!

*Security in knowing that God has a plan for my life. All I need to do is rest in HIM! Worry doesn't accomplish anything!
Quote: There is a reason I am not writing the story (of my life) and God is. He knows how it all works out, where it all leads, what it all means.

May God bless you all with an amazing week filled with God's grace!
May you be able to live each day counting your blessings!

Until next time...

In the face of a storm....

I lift my hands and pray the wind doesn't blow me away.
This describes the last couple of months - in a teeny, tiny nutshell.

I realized the other day that its been a quarter of a year since my last post and I was quite shocked. Its been a wild ride since the last post.... Full of CHANGE and times of feeling incredibly SENTIMENTAL!

Isn't it crazy how one can dream and work for that dream and when it actually comes down to realizing it, it dawns upon you that in reality there will be a whole lot more pain involved than imagined?  The weekend before Christmas, our dreams were realized and we moved into our new abode, or shall we say began to move. The weekend was crazy enough to begin with, with having overnight guests and our family being in charge of the Sunday morning service. So we only got the necessities moved. That Saturday, as we worked to move our things, I began to feel so incredibly sentimental and actually wishing that we wouldn't have to move. Why?  My identity included this house (not the new one), sharing a bedroom with 4 sisters (not just one), having only one bathroom to the entire family (not four bathrooms), a tiny hallway of a kitchen (not a massive one, where one must open countless doors and drawers to find a single item)... In general, living in incredibly tight quarters with nine other people (not having so much room that one can hole up in a room and not be missed or stumbled upon).  

Bottom line was  {I. Was. Experiencing. A. Major. Identity. Crisis.}

You may say - Well find your identity in Christ. And indeed that's what should have happened - It didn't.  Was I too busy to hear God's voice? Probably...  But even when I tried to get away from all the hustle and bustle and distractions and clear my head, God didn't rush in a instantly give me a sense of peace. He allowed me to struggle and it was good for me.

I should have been rejoicing and enjoying myself to the fullest to having a life-long dream come to past, but I felt like I was falling into a swirling blackness that was engulfing me. I felt so unworthy. I mean seriously, here  we are one family and God is giving us our dream.  But what about the family just up the road that can barely make ends meet? Or the elderly couple (also up the road) that have severe health problems? Or the family in Central America that was robbed recently and is experiencing emotional trauma? Or that family that is still living in incredibly tight quarters? You get the picture.  So instead of rejoicing that weekend, I wrestled with this.  

That Sunday, God gave me a picture of part of the reason why He gave this to us. After lunch we came home and were sitting around the living room with all kinds of friends. And I looked around at all the people and realized that we are now more responsible with how we use this house, especially in the area of hosting people. 

This wasn't the first time I wondered if it was all really worth it.  It took us over a year and a half to build it, doing most of the work ourselves. It put a huge strain on the family especially the last six months, with deadlines and everyone was just tired of the mess and stress. Certain members of the family felt like all they did in their spare time was work on the house, others felt like things weren't moving fast enough. And in our family we tend to be rather vocal about things like this, at times.  But, we made it through those hard months and came out on the other end a stronger family! <another reason for God giving this dream to us>

God allows us to go through those rough times so that we become stronger people. We are able to see more clearly after the storm has passed, then when we are in the midst of it. 

The weekend after moving we celebrated Christmas - or most people did.  We had family over and the whole nine yards, yet it didn't feel like Christmas at all and in a way we just plain missed Christmas 2011.  How can one get in the holiday spirit when packing up and moving and getting settled in right over that time? 

The next weekend we had our 'House/Yard Sale'. So we put a tremendous amount of work to finish sorting, moving and then finally organizing and pricing everything. At 7:30 Friday morning the first people pulled in and by 8:30 most of the doors were spoken for along with numerous other items. We had a profitable sale even though we hauled off a BUNCH of stuff to Share and Care in Holmes County. Its quite a freeing feeling to get rid of so much stuff - you try it!

Less than a week after the house sale, Debra left for a term of service at Hillcrest.  My closest sister, the one I would stay up late into the night talking with... Well, lets just say we have A LOT of history!:)

The following weekend Debra came home and we tore down our old house. It was sad, but also so final. I no longer had to stand the sight of it sitting vacant the wind blowing right through it, snow piling up inside etc. It was no longer home and would never again be home.  It was time.  Even now a month later, we occasionally see a bit of smoke coming from the pit that holds the ashes that once was our home.

In the months following the move, we have settled into a routine and this new place is becoming home. Even though sometimes I drive down the road after a night out and expect to see the old house sitting out near the road, with a lamp illuminating the windows in the living room and the new house sitting behind it dark and still. But that doesn't happen very often, thankfully.

Each person has a way of dealing with incredibly stressful times. For me the months from October through December of last year are a blur. I remember little of what all happened during that time. Sometimes I wish for the memories to come back, but then I get a glimpse of what we went through and I'm glad i can't remember. With time, I hope the good memories will separate themselves from the bad and I'll be able to remember them.

To those of you going through a storm right now... Hold On and Don't Give Up!!! In the end you will see that it did much good.  God has your ultimate good in mind, not necessarily your current level of comfort.

ALL things work TOGETHER for GOOD to them that LOVE God, to them who are the CALLED according to His purpose... Romans 8:28

Have a week filled with God's presence and the knowledge that 'He will NEVER leave you, or forsake you'...