In the face of a storm....

I lift my hands and pray the wind doesn't blow me away.
This describes the last couple of months - in a teeny, tiny nutshell.

I realized the other day that its been a quarter of a year since my last post and I was quite shocked. Its been a wild ride since the last post.... Full of CHANGE and times of feeling incredibly SENTIMENTAL!

Isn't it crazy how one can dream and work for that dream and when it actually comes down to realizing it, it dawns upon you that in reality there will be a whole lot more pain involved than imagined?  The weekend before Christmas, our dreams were realized and we moved into our new abode, or shall we say began to move. The weekend was crazy enough to begin with, with having overnight guests and our family being in charge of the Sunday morning service. So we only got the necessities moved. That Saturday, as we worked to move our things, I began to feel so incredibly sentimental and actually wishing that we wouldn't have to move. Why?  My identity included this house (not the new one), sharing a bedroom with 4 sisters (not just one), having only one bathroom to the entire family (not four bathrooms), a tiny hallway of a kitchen (not a massive one, where one must open countless doors and drawers to find a single item)... In general, living in incredibly tight quarters with nine other people (not having so much room that one can hole up in a room and not be missed or stumbled upon).  

Bottom line was  {I. Was. Experiencing. A. Major. Identity. Crisis.}

You may say - Well find your identity in Christ. And indeed that's what should have happened - It didn't.  Was I too busy to hear God's voice? Probably...  But even when I tried to get away from all the hustle and bustle and distractions and clear my head, God didn't rush in a instantly give me a sense of peace. He allowed me to struggle and it was good for me.

I should have been rejoicing and enjoying myself to the fullest to having a life-long dream come to past, but I felt like I was falling into a swirling blackness that was engulfing me. I felt so unworthy. I mean seriously, here  we are one family and God is giving us our dream.  But what about the family just up the road that can barely make ends meet? Or the elderly couple (also up the road) that have severe health problems? Or the family in Central America that was robbed recently and is experiencing emotional trauma? Or that family that is still living in incredibly tight quarters? You get the picture.  So instead of rejoicing that weekend, I wrestled with this.  

That Sunday, God gave me a picture of part of the reason why He gave this to us. After lunch we came home and were sitting around the living room with all kinds of friends. And I looked around at all the people and realized that we are now more responsible with how we use this house, especially in the area of hosting people. 

This wasn't the first time I wondered if it was all really worth it.  It took us over a year and a half to build it, doing most of the work ourselves. It put a huge strain on the family especially the last six months, with deadlines and everyone was just tired of the mess and stress. Certain members of the family felt like all they did in their spare time was work on the house, others felt like things weren't moving fast enough. And in our family we tend to be rather vocal about things like this, at times.  But, we made it through those hard months and came out on the other end a stronger family! <another reason for God giving this dream to us>

God allows us to go through those rough times so that we become stronger people. We are able to see more clearly after the storm has passed, then when we are in the midst of it. 

The weekend after moving we celebrated Christmas - or most people did.  We had family over and the whole nine yards, yet it didn't feel like Christmas at all and in a way we just plain missed Christmas 2011.  How can one get in the holiday spirit when packing up and moving and getting settled in right over that time? 

The next weekend we had our 'House/Yard Sale'. So we put a tremendous amount of work to finish sorting, moving and then finally organizing and pricing everything. At 7:30 Friday morning the first people pulled in and by 8:30 most of the doors were spoken for along with numerous other items. We had a profitable sale even though we hauled off a BUNCH of stuff to Share and Care in Holmes County. Its quite a freeing feeling to get rid of so much stuff - you try it!

Less than a week after the house sale, Debra left for a term of service at Hillcrest.  My closest sister, the one I would stay up late into the night talking with... Well, lets just say we have A LOT of history!:)

The following weekend Debra came home and we tore down our old house. It was sad, but also so final. I no longer had to stand the sight of it sitting vacant the wind blowing right through it, snow piling up inside etc. It was no longer home and would never again be home.  It was time.  Even now a month later, we occasionally see a bit of smoke coming from the pit that holds the ashes that once was our home.

In the months following the move, we have settled into a routine and this new place is becoming home. Even though sometimes I drive down the road after a night out and expect to see the old house sitting out near the road, with a lamp illuminating the windows in the living room and the new house sitting behind it dark and still. But that doesn't happen very often, thankfully.

Each person has a way of dealing with incredibly stressful times. For me the months from October through December of last year are a blur. I remember little of what all happened during that time. Sometimes I wish for the memories to come back, but then I get a glimpse of what we went through and I'm glad i can't remember. With time, I hope the good memories will separate themselves from the bad and I'll be able to remember them.

To those of you going through a storm right now... Hold On and Don't Give Up!!! In the end you will see that it did much good.  God has your ultimate good in mind, not necessarily your current level of comfort.

ALL things work TOGETHER for GOOD to them that LOVE God, to them who are the CALLED according to His purpose... Romans 8:28

Have a week filled with God's presence and the knowledge that 'He will NEVER leave you, or forsake you'...